Rules according to men

It happens in every field of endeavor — someone does something that everyone else wishes they had done.
I see it in journalism a lot. I will read a column or article from one of my fellow writers, or look at a really good photo, or notice an eye-catching layout on the pages of another paper, and think, “gee, I wish I had done that.”
Sometimes, I even try to do something in my own manner and style, and while I would have been pleased with those results, I will see the same thing done by someone else, and think, “boy, I wish mine had come out more like that.”
I offer this little bit of whimsy, found through the e-mail and sent by a relative, as an example. I have always wanted to present this side of the battle of the sexes, but after reading this I realized I just could not present it any better. So here you go.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules — Man laws! Please note these are all numbered "1” on purpose.
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine —really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Now, how could anyone improve on that?

Southern football

I know there are several football fans out there. No matter which team you support, you have a fierce loyalty and love for your beloved team. And that devotion is fierce and firm.
So please bear with me when I tell you this. ACC football fans, you are not the most fervent football fans in the world.
You work hard at it, yes. You tailgate, you party, you cheer and you yell and scream. But the thing that separates the fans from the die-hards — for the most part, I just do not see it.
You do very well compared to some parts of the country. But I guess I see a bad comparison considering the part of the country from whence I hail.
Southern Alabama is where my roots began. And that is Southeastern Conference football country.
Down there, shortly after you’re born, your daddy has the responsibility of placing in your bassinette a football, either painted red and white for Alabama or orange and blue for Auburn. It’s similar to what goes on here with basketball, Carolina, Duke and State. The proud papa can sit out in front of the nursery with his friends, who all look at him with colored filters in their eyes, saying, “Well? Which is he?”
If the baby is a boy, he will be watched carefully to see how quickly he can throw, catch or kick that football — in the bassinette — before he approaches the first birthday. If he is not showing talent by that first year, he ain’t gonna be a player. He’s gonna be a fan.
When State plays Carolina in football, the fans are interested. They may even go. They may shout things at each other. Then they play the game and go home.
When Alabama plays Auburn, it is war. The fans bases start ribbing each other before the season starts. The coaches’ television shows are ranked no. 1 and 2 in viewers every week. The very restaurants you eat in are based on how they are decorated.
And woe betide the fan base on the losing end. They will hear about it through to next season — and beyond. Cries of “Punt, Bama, punt,” “Pat Ties,” and other catch-phrases spawned from games of decades ago still are heard today — and real fans know the stories behind each one.
The passion of SEC football goes way beyond these ACC rivalries. But you all do have on thing going for you – you follow southern football. And southern football is vastly different from northern football.
A recent e-mail from a relative offers me a chance to share those differences with you.
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. Here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories — North: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary — that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size — North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers — North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus décor — North: Statues of founding fathers. South: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen — North: Also a physics major. South: Also Miss America.
Heroes — North: Rudy Gulliani. South: Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning.
Getting Tickets — North: Five days before the game, you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets. South: Five months before the game, you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game — North: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday. South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking — North: An hour before game time, the university opens the campus for game parking. South: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day — North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating — North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium — North: You ask, "where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in. South: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions — North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. South: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is played — North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air after the First Score — North: Nothing changes. South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male) — North: "Nice play." South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs. "
Commentary (Female) — North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport." South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs. "
Announcers — North: Neutral and paid. South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game — North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.